Republican National Committee Convention Schedule    rev.08.27.2004

New York , NY

6:00 PM - Opening Prayer led by the Reverend Jerry Falwell

6:30 PM - Pledge of Allegiance

6:35 PM - Ceremonial Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd Amendment)

6:45 PM - Salute to the "Coalition of the Willing"

6:46 PM - Seminar #1: Katherine Harris on "Are Elections Really Necessary?"

7:30 PM - Announcement: Lincoln Memorial Renamed for Ronald Reagan

7:35 PM - Trent Lott - "Re-segregation in the 21st Century"

7:40 PM - EPA Address #1: "Mercury: It's What's for Dinner"

8:00 PM - Vote on which country to invade next

8:10 PM - Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh

8:15 PM - John Ashcroft Lecture: "The Homos Are After Your Children"

8:30 PM - Round table discussion on reproductive rights (Men Only)

8:50 PM - Seminar #2: "Corporations: The Government of the Future"

9:00 PM - Condi Rice sings "Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man"

9:05 PM - Phyllis Schlafly speaks on "Why Women Shouldn't Be Leaders"

9:10 PM - EPA Address #2: "Trees: The Real Cause of Forest Fires"

9:30 PM - Break for secret meetings

10:00 PM - Second Prayer led by Cal Thomas

10:15 PM - Karl Rove Lecture: "Doublespeak Made Simple"

10:30 PM - Rumsfeld Lecture/Demonstration: "How to Squint and Talk Macho, Even When You Feel Squishy Inside"

10:35 PM - Bush demonstration of trademark "deer in headlights" stare

10:40 PM - John Ashcroft Demonstration: New Mandatory Kevlar Chastity Belt

10:45 PM - GOP's Tribute to Tokenism, featuring Colin Powell & Condi Rice

10:46 PM - Ann Coulter's Tribute to "Joe McCarthy, American Patriot"

10:50 PM - Seminar #3: "Education: A Drain on Our Nation's Economy"

11:10 PM - Hilary Clinton Pinata

11:20 PM - John Ashcroft Lecture: "Evolutionists: A Dangerous New Cult"

11:30 PM - Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again

11:35 PM - Blame Clinton

11:40 PM - Newt Gingrich speaks on "The Sanctity of Marriage"

11:41 PM - Announcement: Ronald Reagan to be added to Mt. Rushmore

11:50 PM - Closing Prayer led by Jesus Himself

12:00 Mid - Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Overlord

Remember, in the immortal words of ... was it Al Capone or Mayor Daley of Chicago?... Vote Early and Vote Often !

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